Tuesday....
That means Fat Club tonight. I'm looking to see four pounds off the club scales, maybe five if I breathe out, since, as we all know, air weighs.
I love the little tricks that get adopted by people on their weigh days, and most of us have pulled them at one time or another.
For instance, who doesn't wear their lightest and flimsiest clothes, no matter what the weather? I knew one bloke who used to weigh in on Celebrity Fat Club on national TV commando style beneath his trousers. No point in weighing your Calvin's, is there? [By the way, should anyone in the UK or Australia care, it was an entirely knickerless Jono Coleman, and so the aforementioned trousers were actually his trademark all-weather shorts, bless him.]
At my fat club, there's a geezer who's absolutely, religiously committed to the process, including drinking the requisite three litres of water every day, Tuesdays included. The thing is, on Tuesdays, he's worked out that three litres of water weighs 3 kilos, so he's necked the lot by one o'clock and doesn't take another sip until he's been on those scales around 8.15. Which gives him plenty of time to dispose of his excess naturally. You have to think creatively about these things, don't you?
A more extreme version of this was a bloke I knew when I first put myself through all this twelve years ago. His trick was on weigh day morning, he would take an over-sized swig on a bottle of good old fashioned California Syrup of Figs, just to make sure he wasn't, (how shall I put this?), carrying anything unnecessary onto the scales with him that evening.
Me? No, I'm not innocent. OK, the true weighing is the one that takes place every day at home, before supper. It's on the scales in the bathroom, naked, and the numbers go straight on the Excel spreadsheet. No hiding place there. But on Fat Club nights? Well, I do know which trousers weigh lightest. And I never wear a belt. And my Omega Speedmaster weighs five ounces, so I can go out without that well-loved status symbol for once. And short-sleeved shirts help.
Look, it's going to be minus far too many out there this evening, but will I be sensibly cosy in my thermals? No way. I already know I'll be wearing my skimpiest and most ridiculous looking knickers, confident that no one else is going to be seeing them. Same ones I wear every Tuesday. The good thing is that every Tuesday, they move a little bit closer to actually fitting.
Oh, and immediately before I set out for Fat Club, a shower. Because dirt weighs, too.
Come to think of it..... I've just checked online and lo and behold, California Syrup of Figs, this venerable product, which I've surely never seen since the late 50's, is still out there. Some folks have even taken the trouble to review its, er, efficacy!
Still, I can't sit here all day reminiscing about over the counter remedies of yore and the cunning strategies we all adopt to cheat the scales of a few more damning ounces. I've got to concentrate on exhaling all my excess water. Only nine hours to go. If I breathe a bit faster, I could well lose a few more fluid ounces, and they all count you know. I wonder if I too could manage not to drink anything after one? Well if he can do it, I really don't see why I can't (etc., etc, etc.).....
And remember the truth is the number that appears between your toes; because, however we try to confuse the issue and con ourselves, the scales are not going to flatter, lie, or be sensitive of your feelings. You'll only dump the lard by getting the rules clear in your mind and sticking to them. Like the guy I mentioned above with his three litres of water: he's doing it right, and he's losing well, every week, stone after stone after stone.
Same as you want to. Me, too.
By the way, don't forget to drop me a line to get the word when my new book is ready. This is the only way you'll be able to get both a pre-launch copy of my brand new slimmers' success and survival guide plus the special early bird free gift of my equally spanking new Formerly Fat Freddy's Cookbook, itself worth $18.
Just email your contact details with the words Book Offer in the title line to FormerlyFatFreddy-blog@yahoo.com and I'll personally make sure you're the first to hear the good news. No obligation, of course, but it WILL help you kiss goodbye to yo-yo you!
Remember: if we all stick to the rules, we'll get there all the sooner. And food is most certainly NOT your enemy.
Your old pal,
Fred
As someone who has struggled with losing weight for more than five years, this blog comes as something of a breath of fresh air.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether you really know your stuff Fred, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because a) you've lost twice as much as me in a fraction of the time, and b) you've got a sense of humour and c) I recognise the story about the pre weighing session use of laxatives - only it was me, rather than some other fellow.
Keep up the good work.
Hi Freddy, what a treat to have this place to find you! Your Lexie looks just like our Jessie.
ReplyDeleteToday I weighed myself with clothes on -- a first. It was simply to cold in our house to disrobe. But the fact is that my old scale is so inaccurate that it really doesn't matter if i have the clothes on or not, every time I weigh myself it says something diffent. So I stand on it 5 or 6 times, move it here and there and stand on it again a few times, and then take an approximate average. Well, take care, and enjoy this space! I'll see you here often!