Words From A Not Very Wise Man

Just a brief note, because we're all busy bees at this relaxing time, just to give a couple of what I hope will be timely tips.

Number one! You can have a great time and enjoy yourself without gorging and being a pig. Honest. You can. Even you. Even me, for that matter.

Number two! If you take a moment to think BEFORE eating it, you'll be able to be comfortable with yourself and confident AFTER you've eaten it.

Number three! Number two ONLY works if you've first drawn up your personal rules of engagement, and broadly planned out in advance what you're going to eat - and drink!

Number four! Stay sober. NOTHING upends number three so much as getting hammered, and booze just fattens you up anyway, so pass for once. If you can genuinely limit yourself to 'just the one', then fine, but most of us can't, so give a polite 'no thank you' instead.

Number five! DON'T eat or drink to please other people. This is about you, not them, and it's up to them to be grown up about it. For crying out loud, they want rid of fat you (nearly) as much as you do. Don't hesitate to politely remind them of that.

Number six! Always remember that the words 'it's just one day a year' are a lie. You know it as well as I do. They are the brilliant excuse you've been looking for, and you will come to find many opportunities and many variants to deploy them. So don't even begin to say them to yourself, don't bloody start. Avoid this thin end of the wedge at all costs. Why do you want to sabotage the hard work you've put in all this time? Respect yourself.

Number seven: SDCM - self-discipline, control and motivation; even at Christmas. Eat with consciousness - at all times: think about what you're eating and why, and the consequences of failure. Free your mind and your ass will follow: ' nuff said?

And now a word for the future, and once a again the word is planning. A few months back, a tweet arrived from the big chain store M&S telling me about their one day only trouser sale.

I didn't need trousers at that time. I had loads of fat bastard trousers. I also had lots of clothes at my target weight. There was a bloody big hole in the middle however, where stuff got stretched and torn to destruction as my weight progressively ballooned. So I went online and took a peek, and there were astonishing bargains. I thought. And I planned. So I ordered a whole bunch of trousers, going progressively down the sizes from where I was to where I want to be.

That meant I had half a dozen pairs of instant motivation nagging at me from the hangers. I started wearing the first pair this last week, and the others are waiting for me to catch up.

So, go hit those sales, but buy clothes ahead. Having made that cash investment in your health and future, you'll make darned sure you get into them as soon as you can.

OK, for me it's going to be a sort of duck salad nicoise tonight, dressed with orange zest and orange blossom water. Turkey tomorrow. I'll have a salmon in the fish kettle on Boxing Day, and I'll do something very slow with a hunk of brisket on Monday. Keep an eye on the trimmings, and count them calories and carbs.

Just remember to keep to the plan, whatever diet you're following, and you'll still have yourselves A Kung Fu Christmas courtesy of National Lampoon, 1976, demonstrating how on the money those boys used to be!

Till the next time, your old pal,

Fred